The Tight End Position Is a Cry for Help

The namesake tight end scored zero, Dippin Darts won with 29.8 points on the bench, and a kicker outscored four receivers.

The realm has spoken, and it said "why is that guy in your lineup?" Twelve houses left 145.5 points on their benches in Week 1. Two of them would have flipped their losses with a better lineup. One was SteelerIDKher, where the bench had a better afternoon than the starters.

But first, the draft. It's over, the ink is dry, and some of you already owe the realm an explanation.

Draft Day, Revisited: The Small Council's Worst Ideas

The Maye Reach. ICUP took Drake Maye as the first quarterback off the board at pick #24. In the other two Gazette leagues, Maye went at #58 and #68. Week 1 return: 9.82 points. Eleven picks later, Mover of Chains took Josh Allen as QB2, and Allen scored 35.66. So the first QB taken was not the right one.

The Ladd Lunge. Your moms favorite took Ladd McConkey at #16. In the other leagues he lasted until #37 and #38. He scored 16.7 this week, so fine, we'll let it go for now.

The Namesake Club. nacua matata took Puka Nacua at #6, the third receiver drafted, and named the entire team after him. He scored 9.9. Osama Bin Loveland spent pick #39 on Colston Loveland, the third tight end drafted, and named the entire team after him. He scored 0. Ja'Marr Chase went #3 overall to Moose’s Absent Father and scored 2.2.

The Tight End Trap. Ben timover took Brock Bowers at #31 as the second tight end off the board. Bowers scored 0 and didn't start. Kyle Pitts (#65) also scored 0 for RIP Clippers.

The Special Teams Sweepstakes. Your moms favorite made Brandon Aubrey the first kicker taken, at #112. He scored 1. Ben timover waited until #162 for Evan McPherson, who scored 19. Moose’s Absent Father took the Rams as the first defense at #99 and got 2 points, while SteelerIDKher's Steelers D, a 15th-rounder at #172, scored 20.

The Late-Round Quarterback Graveyard. Here's the big one. Four quarterbacks drafted at #128 or later all put up points on a bench: Patrick Mahomes (#128, 21.66), Jared Goff (#140, 16.44), Jordan Love (#157, 19.48) and Tyler Shough (#163, 23.2). That's 80.78 points of quarterback riding the pine. Maye scored 9.82 in a starting lineup.

The Matchups

nacua matata had the week-high score, and it came from everyone except the guy on the team's name. D'Andre Swift, a fourth-rounder, dropped 31.9. Ashton Jeanty added 29.7, Jalen Hurts 24.72 and Chris Olave 23.2. Puka chipped in a polite 9.9. They still left 16.1 on the bench: Jordan Addison scored 0 while Wan'Dale Robinson got 6.3 on the bench, and Harold Fannin (3.1) started over Juwan Johnson (12.9). Shough's 23.2 on the bench was also technically a thing. Moose’s Absent Father got real production from Javonte Williams (21.7), Breece Hall (18.8), Jayden Daniels (17.66) and Parker Washington (16.8). Their first two picks let them down: Chase scored 2.2 and Drake London 4.5. The Rams D scored 2 while the Cowboys D (7), a 16th-round pick, sat on the bench. Kind of on brand for an absent father.

Derrick Henry, a second-rounder, ran for 34.8 and the Clippers cruised. Amon-Ra St. Brown (23.7) and Zay Flowers (23.5) added plenty. They won by 38.94 even with Kyle Pitts posting a 0 and Mahomes scoring 21.66 on the bench while Dak started and scored 14.4. Osama Bin Loveland had the week's low score. Christian Watson (29.7) was great, and then there was Loveland. You named the team after him. He returned the favor with a goose egg. Kenny Gainwell (2.3) started over Stefon Diggs (13.5), James Cook scored 8.4 with Jeremiyah Love (12) on the bench, and the Chargers D put up 1.

Caleb Williams, a fifth-rounder, dropped 37.26, the best QB game in the league. David Montgomery added 27.4, and 8th-rounder Chuba Hubbard 22.2. McConkey scored 16.7. Saquon Barkley, the #9 pick, scored 8.5, and Deebo Samuel (15) sat on the bench. Then there's Aubrey (1) and the Texans D (-1), who combined for zero points. The Sniffers were fine. First-rounder Jaxon Smith-Njigba scored 22.2, Brock Purdy 21.1, and Trey McBride, the first tight end drafted, scored 20. Terry McLaurin managed 2.4 with Khalil Shakir (7) on the bench, and that's most of their 4.6 left on the bench. They weren't bad. They just ran into Caleb.

Bijan Robinson, the #2 pick, did his job with 27.3. Ninth-rounder Isaiah Likely went for 23.8 at tight end, and Bucky Irving added 16.8. Bobb Stark benched two of its better receivers: Mike Evans scored 13.9 and third-rounder Malik Nabers 9.9. Tee Higgins (7.4) and Alec Pierce (8.1) started, and the Packers D scored 1. Mover of Chains got 35.66 from Josh Allen and 27.2 from Justin Jefferson, and the Seahawks D added 13. Second-rounder Omarion Hampton scored 8.3, Tony Pollard 3.9 and kicker Harrison Mevis 1. They left just 2.5 points on the bench and still lost.

Jaxson Dart, taken at #108, threw for 26.6 for the team literally named after him. Dallas Goedert added 21.7 and Trey Smack kicked 12. First-rounder De'Von Achane scored 8.6. But Dippin Darts benched 13th-rounder Jalen Coker (29.8) to start DeVonta Smith (6.8), left 28.5 points on the bench total, and won anyway. Across the table, SteelerIDKher spent the #4 pick on Christian McCaffrey (11.3) and a third on George Pickens (4.3). Matthew Stafford scored 4.1, and Jaylen Warren (7.8) started over DJ Moore (18.5). Kenneth Walker (32.6) and the 15th-round Steelers D (20) did everything they could. The right lineup wins this game.

Closest game of the week, and a 14th-round kicker won it: Evan McPherson booted 19, and the Jaguars D added 15. Lamar Jackson (24.96) and Jonathan Taylor (23.6) did the real work. Second-rounder A.J. Brown (4.1) and George Kittle (2.2) did not. Trevor Lawrence scored 26.1 on the bench, more than Lamar. ICUP got 31.1 from Jahmyr Gibbs, the #1 overall pick, plus 19.4 from Kyle Monangai and 17.7 from Nico Collins. Maye scored 9.82, Cameron Dicker 2, and Jaylen Waddle started over 14th-rounder Denzel Boston. Waddle: 0.7. Boston: 12.9. That's the ballgame, by 3.24.

The Awards

Standings

Next week: set your lineups like you mean it. Winter is coming, and so is Week 2.