The Draft Receipts Are Getting Embarrassing

Puka posts a zero for nacua matata, Josh Allen scores 40.82 in a loss, and RIP Clippers bury Bobb Stark by 61.

Last week this paper roasted the realm for leaving 145.5 points on its benches. This week the realm left 158.52. The realm has learned nothing. Week 2 brought a 61-point blowout, a 0.18-point heist, and a new member for the club of teams getting zeroes from the guy they're named after.

The Matchups

Last week SteelerIDKher lost a game the right lineup would have won. This week SteelerIDKher won a game the right lineup would have won by a lot more. Tucker Kraft (2.5) started over 11th-rounder Jake Ferguson (18.3). The team named SteelerIDKher benched the Steelers defense, fresh off a 20-point week, and started the Bucs. Steelers: 10. Bucs: 2. SteelerIDKher also swapped kicker Will Reichard for Chris Boswell, who scored 4. The team left 23.8 on the bench and survived because Stafford went from 4.1 to 26.98. Ben timover, last week's kicker-powered winners, lost this one on a waiver move. They picked up Rashod Bateman, benched his 18.3, and started Jacory Croskey-Merritt (5.3). Start Bateman and Ben wins. Jonathan Taylor (27.2), Kittle (16, redemption) and McPherson (12 more) deserved better. Ben had enough points to win, just not in the lineup.

Biggest beatdown of the week, by 61.28. Davante Adams, a fifth-rounder, scored 35.5, Amon-Ra added 30.7, and Dak scored 29.76. That finally beat Mahomes on the bench by 0.78, so Dak is 1-1 in that fight. Pitts started over AJ Barner again and lost again, 7.4 to 2, and Jayden Reed (0.9) started over Jonah Coleman (13.3). Now for Bobb Stark, who pulled off a perfectly wrong week. Last week they started Burrow and benched Baker. This week they swapped, and Baker (12.18) lost to Burrow (16.18) on the bench. Last week they benched Malik Nabers. This week they started him, and he scored 0.6 while Mike Evans got 6.9 on the bench. Bijan scored 9.6 and the Chiefs D added 1.

Last week's basement dwellers put up 117.88. CeeDee Lamb went for 31.3 and James Cook for 20.4. Stefon Diggs got off the bench and scored 19.2. And Colston Loveland? 0.8 points. That's up 0.8 from last week, which is infinity percent growth. They did bench fresh pickup Bryce Young (24.08) for Justin Herbert (7.88), but nobody's perfect. Dippin Darts, meanwhile, made the leap from Bench of Shame winners to the week's low score. Jaxson Dart went from 26.6 to 0.8, and Goedert went from 21.7 to 0.9. Jordan Love scored 13.8 on the bench. Jalen Coker sat again (10.6) behind Jameson Williams (4.3). DeVonta Smith, last week's 6.8, scored 22.7 in a loss.

Week-high for The Sniffers. Jaxon Smith-Njigba went for 38, Brock Purdy 28.48, and the 11th-round Patriots D 23. They left 1.3 on the bench, the best lineup-setting in the league, and it only cost that much because Goff scored 29.78 on the bench. Mover of Chains got 40.82 from Josh Allen, the best game of the week, and lost by 30.56 anyway. Chris Rodriguez (1.3) started over Tony Pollard (7), Romeo Doubs scored 11.1 on the bench, and Justin Jefferson dipped to 7. Allen has more points than any drafted player in this league, and his team is 0-2.

Breaking: Puka Nacua has joined the Colston Loveland Society. He scored 0 for the team named after him. nacua matata won anyway thanks to the 13th-round Vikings D (18) and Chris Olave (18.6), and they are 2-0 on 96 points. Hurts scored 16.16 with Tyler Shough (22.38) on the bench again. Your moms favorite had the week's hangover. Caleb Williams went from 37.26 to 7.72 with Cam Ward (20.02) on the bench. Saquon scored 2.5 and Montgomery 3.4, and Ladd McConkey, the #16 pick we let slide last week, scored 5 on the bench. We're no longer letting it slide. Brandon Aubrey, who scored 1 last week, led the team with 17.

Moose’s Absent Father came back, which is more than the name promised. Ja'Marr Chase went from 2.2 to 23, Travis Kelce scored 20.6, and the Rams D went from 2 to 12. ICUP learned last week's lesson and started Denzel Boston (18), and Waddle bounced back with 17.8. Dalton Kincaid added 19 and Gibbs 20.3. But Cameron Dicker kicked in 1 point and Drake Maye added 8.02, and ICUP is 0-2. They took our advice, and it still didn't work.

Draft Report Card

Two weeks in, the Late-Round Quarterback Graveyard from last week has grown into a cemetery. Mahomes (#128, 50.64), Goff (#140, 46.22), Shough (#163, 45.58) and Jordan Love (#157, 33.28) have combined for 175.72 points and have never started a game. Mahomes is 8th among all drafted players. Shough has outscored Hurts, who started over him both weeks. Meanwhile, the first QB drafted, Maye, sits at 17.84. Allen, the second, leads the entire league with 76.48. The busts are just as loud. Brock Bowers (#31) has 0 points in two weeks and has never started. The Sniffers' fifth-rounder Josh Jacobs has 0 too, and he's on Dippin Darts now. Puka (#6) is at 9.9, Saquon (#9) at 11, and A.J. Brown (#18) at 4.1.

RIP Clippers (A): Amon-Ra (54.4), Henry (51) and Adams (39.6), and the backup QB has outscored the starter.

The Sniffers (A-): JSN has 60.2, second-most of any drafted player. Goff at #140 was a heist.

nacua matata (B+): Swift (42.3) and Olave (41.8) are carrying a namesake at 9.9.

SteelerIDKher (B): Kenneth Walker has 53.4, fourth-best of any drafted player. The #172 Steelers D has 30. Benched this week, naturally.

Mover of Chains (B draft, F results): Allen at #35 was the steal of the draft, and they're 0-2.

Moose’s Absent Father (B-): Parker Washington (30.1) and Kelce (29.2) out of rounds 7 and 8 are the dads who stayed.

Osama Bin Loveland (B-): Christian Watson (41.8) is a hit at #63. The team name remains a warning.

ICUP (C): Gibbs (51.4) is fine, and 14th-rounder Boston (30.9) is great. Maye at #24 remains a choice.

Your moms favorite (C): Hubbard (35.6) at #88 is great, and Cam Ward (31.72) hasn't started. Saquon at #9 has 11.

Dippin Darts (C): Coker (40.4) and Love (33.28) are late-round gold, and they have never been started.

Ben timover (C-): Rounds 2 and 3 have produced 4.1 points. A 14th-round kicker (31) has outscored both.

Bobb Stark (C-): Bijan (36.9) is fine. Nabers (10.5) in round 3 is not.

The Awards

Standings

Two teams left unbeaten, two left winless, and all twelve managers still starting at least one wrong guy. See you next week.