Quarterbacks Are Decorative, Apparently

Two benched quarterbacks scored 56.96 combined, Josh Allen scored 40 in a loss, and the Van has a head of steam.

Last week this paper said the league drafts well and then sets lineups by coin flip. Week 2 said hold my beer. Matthew Stafford scored 27.98 on a bench. Patrick Mahomes scored 28.98 on a bench, for Team Taylor, in a loss to a team called Mahome is a Van. And three teams are 2-0, one of them with a perfect lineup.

The good news is that people learned something. Travis Kelce started, Jayden Daniels started and Jalen Coker started. The bad news is that the league still left 110.08 points on benches.

The Matchups

Last week the Gazette asked whether the Van had brakes. It does not. The Van is 2-0 with 303.16 points, and this time the Patriots defense, a 14th-round pick, led the way with 23. Kenneth Walker (20.8) and Jahmyr Gibbs (20.3) kept rolling. They started Tucker Kraft over Isaiah Likely again, Kraft lost that one again (2.5 to 5.8), and it didn't matter again.

Team Taylor started Jalen Hurts (18.16) and left Mahomes (28.98) on the bench for the second straight week. DJ Moore scored -0.1. David Montgomery went from 27.4 to 3.4 while 15th-round pick Tank Bigsby scored 10.8 on the bench. Last week Team Taylor left just 0.5 on the bench. This week it was 22.32. Jonathan Taylor (27.2) and a bounce-back Jake Ferguson (18.3) tried their best. The worst part is that even the best possible lineup, 121.58, loses to the Van.

It's right there in the team name: Drake Maye started and scored 9.02, while 12th-round pick Stafford scored 27.98 on the bench. In Scripsy Tipsy, Stafford went 24th overall. They won anyway, and give them credit for learning from week 1: Kelce started over Kyle Pitts and scored 20.6, and Pitts scored 2 on the bench. Ja'Marr Chase bounced back from 2.2 to 23, and Kyren Williams added 14.7.

arjunpatelmb actually started Jalen Coker this week (10.6) and Parker Washington (13.3), which is growth. Then the rest of the team didn't show up. First-round pick Saquon Barkley scored 2.5, third-rounder Malik Nabers scored 0.6 and Justin Jefferson went from 27.2 to 7. Dalton Kincaid (19) kept it close-ish. Last week he left a win on the bench. This week his best lineup was 102.18, so there wasn't one to find. He's 0-2.

The Ball-Knower finally started Jayden Daniels (14.74) and put up the week's top score. Davante Adams went from 4.1 on the bench last week to 35.5 in the lineup, and Amon-Ra St. Brown added 30.7 and Chris Olave 18.6. They also picked up Mark Andrews, arjunpatelmb's 15th-round pick, and he scored 7.9 in his debut. The ball-knowing is still inconsistent, though. Last week they started George Kittle and he scored 2.2. This week they benched him and he scored 16.

Sub Station Retirees set a nearly perfect lineup, leaving just 1.7 on the bench, and still lost by 44.98. Trevor Lawrence fell from 26.1 to 7.16, Christian Watson from 29.7 to 12.1 and Derrick Henry from 34.8 to 16.2. Brandon Aubrey bounced back from 1 point to 16, and Colston Loveland improved from 0 to 0.8. Growth.

Jaxon Smith-Njigba scored 38 and carried the win, with help from Garrett Wilson (14.2) and Trey McBride (14.1). And yet again, Stefon Diggs sat on the bench. He scored 19.2 there, so he's up to 32.7 points that never counted. Rome Odunze started over him and scored 5.8.

The Brand Loyalty Award winners finally got paid: Dak scored 29.76, and Aaron Jones started this time and scored 10.5. Unfortunately, No. 4 overall pick Puka Nacua scored 0. New pickup Dallas Goedert scored 0.9 after they dropped Harold Fannin for him. Seventh-round pick TreVeyon Henderson scored 13.6 on the bench while Jameson Williams started and scored 4.3. They're 0-2 with the fewest points in the league.

IR Merchant set a perfect lineup and left zero on the bench. Caleb Williams came back to earth, from 37.26 to 8.72, and the receivers picked him up: CeeDee Lamb scored 31.3 and DeVonta Smith 22.7. First-round pick James Cook more than doubled last week with 20.4. They're 2-0 and they look like they know exactly what they're doing, which is suspicious.

Josh Allen scored 40.82 for Hailee Steinfeld FC and they still lost by 8.2. Jaylen Waddle bounced back from 0.7 to 17.8 and Sam LaPorta added 14.2, but No. 2 overall pick Bijan Robinson dropped from 27.3 to 9.6. They also started Michael Wilson (2.8) over Tony Pollard (7). They're 0-2 despite 245.18 points, more than three of the four 1-1 teams.

Draft Report Card

Mahome is a Van: A. Gibbs (51.4), Walker (53.4), Swift (42.3) and Lamar (40.76) are all producing. The late rounds are winning too: Hubbard (35.6), McPherson (31) and the Patriots (29). They haven't dropped a single pick.

Professional Ball-Knower: A-. St. Brown has 54.4, third among every drafted player in the league. Olave has 41.8, and sixth-rounder Davante Adams has 39.6. They get the minus for Kyler.

IR Merchant: B+. Seventh-round Caleb Williams (45.98) and Lamb (44.2) have carried. Two of their late picks have 0 points combined, but so far nobody's noticed.

Hailee Steinfeld FC: B. Last week's Josh Allen reach at pick 19 has turned into 76.48 points, the most of any drafted player in the league. They're 0-2 anyway.

D.Achane hang low: B. Smith-Njigba has 60.2, second-best of any pick. McBride has 34.1. Eleventh-rounder Diggs has 32.7, all of it on the bench.

Sub Station Retirees: B-. The Henry pick (51) looks smart and seventh-rounder Watson has 41.8. Fourth-rounder Loveland, taken much earlier than in the other Gazette leagues, has 0.8.

Maye set my lineup: C+. Chase has 25.2 from the No. 3 pick. Their 12th-round backup Stafford (33.08) has outscored their sixth-round starter Maye (21.84). The 11th-round Kelce pick (29.2) is saving the grade.

Team Taylor: C. Taylor has 50.8. Second-rounder A.J. Brown has 4.1 and third-rounder Brock Bowers, still the first tight end off the board, still has 0. Mahomes has 51.64 from the 13th round, fifth-best of any pick, and hasn't started once. The Texans defense has since been cut.

Unc Dak and the Juniors: C-. Ninth-round Dak has 45.16, and the loyalty is justified. But No. 4 overall Puka has 9.9 across two weeks and third-rounder Pickens has 11.3.

arjunpatelmb: D+. No. 10 overall Saquon has 11. Fifth-rounder Josh Jacobs has 0 and hasn't started. Tenth-rounder Kincaid (34.5) and seventh-rounder Parker Washington (30.1) keep the grade out of the basement.

The Awards

Standings

Three teams are still unbeaten, three are still winless, and Stefon Diggs is still waiting for his start.